disclaimer
I'm just going to lay it all on the table, right away. I have a serious lack of focus, especially at home. At work I get by, gathering up all the attention and discipline I can muster and channel it into my workstation, but as soon as I find myself outside of that little llama-themed cubicle, it's like the starter pistol was shot and I find my mind galloping down the track. Then off the track. Then over a fence. Then collapsing in a stranger's hammock, wondering how it even got there.
I say all of this to say this: this is probably my fourth blog attempt. I make no promises of commitment or consistency, but I'm going to at least try a bit harder than before, with an added awareness of how my mind works. Which will probably entail being a little more honest than in previous attempts. Not necessarily in a deepest-darkest secrets way (my life is intentionally drama-free, for the most part), but in a "here's a project I tried and succeeded/failed in" or "here's how I actually felt when my boss told me that my cubicle had too many llamas in it"* kind of way. I'm facing my fear of vulnerability in a semi-public, semi-egotistical sort of way, while also practicing my long-forsaken love of writing.
My other goal is to have fun. Honestly. I promise.
So, this whole "4th try at blogging" endeavor came about today during a 2 hour self-imposed "personal retreat" in which my focus was mainly on, well, focus. As previously mentioned, sometimes I'm not great at it. There are multiple things that get in the way of my focus (of which also are mainly self-imposed), and so I tried to put these things to paper and create a bit of a plan of action. For me (and perhaps others), a lack of focus results in a lack of drive, which results in a lack of action, which, finally, for me, results in despair. A despair that is convinced there is a lack of purpose.
Sounds a little dark, and I guess in some ways it certainly is. But the light at the end of that crappy-ass tunnel is a glimmer of hope. My little retreat today (which, sidebar, sounds much more zen [read: pretentious] than it was) involved a lot of prayer and Bible-reading, and spending time with God re-calibrates my heart toward its true north. Though I'm broken in a number of ways, I was reminded today that God chooses to reside within brokenness in order to make things whole again.
So anyway, I'm saying this because, even though I cannot heal or make things whole in my own power, I'm wanting to be involved in the process, both for myself and for others. For me, that means that I need to fight feelings fear and guilt, and fight them often. The state of being fearful and/or full of guilt is paralyzing, it is destructive, and it brings despair. For me, it also brings and breeds anxiety. All of these are too familiar to me, and I need to fight against it by participating in community, by taking care of myself and others, and by doing things I enjoy.
One thing I enjoy is writing. So writing this blog and writing in my journal are two of several "micro-goals" I've created for me to focus on over the next 3 months (Q1, for any business-types reading along). There's no real theme to the blog, other than to post on what's in my mind, from the goings-on of a particular day, to a silly poem, to a review of some fancy new butter that's in limited release (attn: craft butter churners!).
Thanks a ton for reading all of this! I'm excited for this little journey.
-Christie
*For the record, my boss has not told me that my cubicle has too many llamas in it. Yet.
I say all of this to say this: this is probably my fourth blog attempt. I make no promises of commitment or consistency, but I'm going to at least try a bit harder than before, with an added awareness of how my mind works. Which will probably entail being a little more honest than in previous attempts. Not necessarily in a deepest-darkest secrets way (my life is intentionally drama-free, for the most part), but in a "here's a project I tried and succeeded/failed in" or "here's how I actually felt when my boss told me that my cubicle had too many llamas in it"* kind of way. I'm facing my fear of vulnerability in a semi-public, semi-egotistical sort of way, while also practicing my long-forsaken love of writing.
My other goal is to have fun. Honestly. I promise.
So, this whole "4th try at blogging" endeavor came about today during a 2 hour self-imposed "personal retreat" in which my focus was mainly on, well, focus. As previously mentioned, sometimes I'm not great at it. There are multiple things that get in the way of my focus (of which also are mainly self-imposed), and so I tried to put these things to paper and create a bit of a plan of action. For me (and perhaps others), a lack of focus results in a lack of drive, which results in a lack of action, which, finally, for me, results in despair. A despair that is convinced there is a lack of purpose.
Sounds a little dark, and I guess in some ways it certainly is. But the light at the end of that crappy-ass tunnel is a glimmer of hope. My little retreat today (which, sidebar, sounds much more zen [read: pretentious] than it was) involved a lot of prayer and Bible-reading, and spending time with God re-calibrates my heart toward its true north. Though I'm broken in a number of ways, I was reminded today that God chooses to reside within brokenness in order to make things whole again.
So anyway, I'm saying this because, even though I cannot heal or make things whole in my own power, I'm wanting to be involved in the process, both for myself and for others. For me, that means that I need to fight feelings fear and guilt, and fight them often. The state of being fearful and/or full of guilt is paralyzing, it is destructive, and it brings despair. For me, it also brings and breeds anxiety. All of these are too familiar to me, and I need to fight against it by participating in community, by taking care of myself and others, and by doing things I enjoy.
One thing I enjoy is writing. So writing this blog and writing in my journal are two of several "micro-goals" I've created for me to focus on over the next 3 months (Q1, for any business-types reading along). There's no real theme to the blog, other than to post on what's in my mind, from the goings-on of a particular day, to a silly poem, to a review of some fancy new butter that's in limited release (attn: craft butter churners!).
Thanks a ton for reading all of this! I'm excited for this little journey.
-Christie
*For the record, my boss has not told me that my cubicle has too many llamas in it. Yet.
Comments
Post a Comment