i'm cranky and have a cold
Winter is tough for me, man. I seriously have the most difficult time with it. This is due in part to the fact that I have lizard blood, so when the temperature is cold, my whole body is painfully cold along with it, the frigidity cutting right to the bone like an icy Ginsu being demonstrated by Frosty the Snowman. Even sunning myself on a rock loses its effectiveness when the harsh Chicagoland winds whip through my scaly layers. On the plus side, though, I'm fantastic at slurping up crickets.
And the darkness--how great is that darkness! When I say "great", I'm not, like, "yay, great!". Great in this sense means grand, large, overwhelming, etc etc etc. I don't think I had to explain that, but the darkness made me feel like I did. How is anyone expected to stay mentally awake in the winter when most of the day consists of night? Everything wrong right now is the fault of the darkness.
"But in the winter you get to bundle up!" offer many of my seemingly-masochistic friends. "Get to"... I don't get how this is a desirable. One of many counters I have to this statement is that "bundling up" isn't even natural. At least not from the perspective of the biblical account of creation*. Sweaters and long underwear were not a part of God's Eden, so, in my humble opinion, they should be avoided until deemed necessary to survive.
"But CHRISTMAS is in the winter!" another friend retorts. Yes, since it's always on December 25th, Christmas truly is always in the winter, whether you live in a temperate climate or not. However, this friend is idealizing the wintry snow-scape version of Christmas, no thanks to the carols with their "dashing through the snow" and "sleigh bells" and "new birds" and what-not... not to mention freakin' Santa Claus living in the freakin' Arctic (do we know the reason for this? Does it have to do with the paparazzi?)... these things give the impression that Christmas just ain't Christmas without the 40°F or below temp needed for snowflakes to fall. I directly blame all of the Christmas songs and, indirectly, capitalism.
Anyway, the Chicago-area is a land of extremes when it comes to temperature. Last February, there was a week in the 20's-30's (degrees Fahrenheit, I mean), and the following weekend was in the 60's-70's. I remember this clearly because it was the same weekend we went on a brief trip to Florida to "escape winter" and could've had a similar experience had we stayed home and not spent a couple hundred bucks.** As Aaron points out from time to time, spring and autumn don't really happen here. These seasons last about a month, at best, and so we hardly experience much of a transition between winter and summer temperatures, and vice versa. It's either hot, or it's cold. This is why everyone at work is always sneezing***.
Here's what I think: Hibernation should be a thing for humans. Everyone's always talking about how much of a game-changer a good night's sleep is, especially when it comes to health, as well as productivity in the workplace. With this in mind, imagine not just the health and productivity benefits, but also the financial and environmental impacts of hibernation. What if all the commuters in the northern hemisphere just didn't use their vehicles from late December to late March each year? How much cleaner would the air be? I'm asking because I truly don't know, but I'd predict that the answer would be a resounding "Yes!"
If hibernation wouldn't work, then I propose voluntary Migration. Whoever wants to migrate to a warmer climate during the winter months should be allowed to do so. This wouldn't be vacation, and this is separate from being a snowbird. Those who elect voluntary migration would be expected to continue earning a living, but they can do that while avoiding icy roads and sharp, painful winds and constant, overwhelming lethargy.
I know I wasn't asked, but I'd personally migrate to Puerto Rico, Costa Rica, Madagascar, Belize, or even Miami.
Until these groundbreaking ideas become beautiful realities, there will be cold Januaries in which I will be shivering in Illinois. So for now I'll just bundle up, shake my fist at the thermometer, and eat up them crickets.
-christie
*Think I'm being silly to use this logic? Then stop telling me to have children. 👶
**Despite this, in Florida I re-united with some 3rd-4th cousins who are lizards so that was worth the money right there.
***Disclaimer: I have no data to back this up.
And the darkness--how great is that darkness! When I say "great", I'm not, like, "yay, great!". Great in this sense means grand, large, overwhelming, etc etc etc. I don't think I had to explain that, but the darkness made me feel like I did. How is anyone expected to stay mentally awake in the winter when most of the day consists of night? Everything wrong right now is the fault of the darkness.
"But in the winter you get to bundle up!" offer many of my seemingly-masochistic friends. "Get to"... I don't get how this is a desirable. One of many counters I have to this statement is that "bundling up" isn't even natural. At least not from the perspective of the biblical account of creation*. Sweaters and long underwear were not a part of God's Eden, so, in my humble opinion, they should be avoided until deemed necessary to survive.
"But CHRISTMAS is in the winter!" another friend retorts. Yes, since it's always on December 25th, Christmas truly is always in the winter, whether you live in a temperate climate or not. However, this friend is idealizing the wintry snow-scape version of Christmas, no thanks to the carols with their "dashing through the snow" and "sleigh bells" and "new birds" and what-not... not to mention freakin' Santa Claus living in the freakin' Arctic (do we know the reason for this? Does it have to do with the paparazzi?)... these things give the impression that Christmas just ain't Christmas without the 40°F or below temp needed for snowflakes to fall. I directly blame all of the Christmas songs and, indirectly, capitalism.
Anyway, the Chicago-area is a land of extremes when it comes to temperature. Last February, there was a week in the 20's-30's (degrees Fahrenheit, I mean), and the following weekend was in the 60's-70's. I remember this clearly because it was the same weekend we went on a brief trip to Florida to "escape winter" and could've had a similar experience had we stayed home and not spent a couple hundred bucks.** As Aaron points out from time to time, spring and autumn don't really happen here. These seasons last about a month, at best, and so we hardly experience much of a transition between winter and summer temperatures, and vice versa. It's either hot, or it's cold. This is why everyone at work is always sneezing***.
Here's what I think: Hibernation should be a thing for humans. Everyone's always talking about how much of a game-changer a good night's sleep is, especially when it comes to health, as well as productivity in the workplace. With this in mind, imagine not just the health and productivity benefits, but also the financial and environmental impacts of hibernation. What if all the commuters in the northern hemisphere just didn't use their vehicles from late December to late March each year? How much cleaner would the air be? I'm asking because I truly don't know, but I'd predict that the answer would be a resounding "Yes!"
If hibernation wouldn't work, then I propose voluntary Migration. Whoever wants to migrate to a warmer climate during the winter months should be allowed to do so. This wouldn't be vacation, and this is separate from being a snowbird. Those who elect voluntary migration would be expected to continue earning a living, but they can do that while avoiding icy roads and sharp, painful winds and constant, overwhelming lethargy.
I know I wasn't asked, but I'd personally migrate to Puerto Rico, Costa Rica, Madagascar, Belize, or even Miami.
Until these groundbreaking ideas become beautiful realities, there will be cold Januaries in which I will be shivering in Illinois. So for now I'll just bundle up, shake my fist at the thermometer, and eat up them crickets.
-christie
*Think I'm being silly to use this logic? Then stop telling me to have children. 👶
**Despite this, in Florida I re-united with some 3rd-4th cousins who are lizards so that was worth the money right there.
***Disclaimer: I have no data to back this up.
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